July 26:
It’s summer, so I’m working on my body (bye-bye daisy dukes, hello denim bikini). I was gonna join Curves, then I found out it was an all women gym – no thank you lezzies! Instead, I joined a gym downtown.
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July 17:
Sometimes you’re dating a guy and he’s a pain in your ass. Don’t get mad, fight fire with fire. Here’s a bunch of ideas that help you get even:
1. Stop pulling your hair out of the shower drain. A few days of him standing in ankle deep water with red hairs floating around and he’ll shape up.
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July 9:
Ladies, whenever you’re having man trouble, do what I do and go to a place where you can mix it up: a gay bar. At a gay bar you don’t have to worry about gettin’ a guy, you can just focus on drinkin’. Plus, when you hit the dance floor, the gay dudes don’t mind it when you rub up against them or watch them kiss (HOT!).
July 5:
Last week was rough. Work blew, Jakey and I got into a big fight over how he keeps burning things that belong to me, I drove my van into a tree, and my rent check bounced again. I had enough – it was time for me to take a vacation. So last weekend I hopped on a bus and made my way to Atlantic City.
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June 26:
I ssspiiilled eeeeerrr onn yycooommtttr an it”"”"ss allllstikkyyy nnow…. Thhhiiiss odddddaaann uuuking ppppiiieeccceee ooooffssssiiitt..
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June 15:
About a month ago I was at the pet store, buying rats for Jakey’s gardener snake. Passing through the aquariums, I slipped on a puddle. I wasn’t hurt, but, naturally, I threatened to sue anyway. In exchange for not pursuing legal action, the manager said he’d give me anything in the store. Since he wouldn’t let me take the young cashier home, I got myself a bird.
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May 29:
I NEED MONEY:
Like many Americans out there these days, I need cash and I need it bad. Over the years my waterbed has seen a little too much action. Last week my new bow, Ray, and I were fooling around when his earrings pricked a hole in the bed – flooded my house. Now I’ve gotta get it fixed, and that’s gonna cost me up the butt.
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EROTIC FOODS(May 21)
Sometimes you got to spice up your love life, literally, with fancy spices like cinnamon and red pepper. I’m talking about food, specifically aphrodisiacs. Ladies if you’re starved for love or just a chunky monkey looking to combine your two passions, here’s a list of my favorite erotic foods:
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May 18:
I know I’m the highlight of your lives – join the club – and you’re all waitin’ for my post today, but I got no time write anything! I gotta run errands all over town. If you’re really jonesing for some glimpse into my life, read my to-do list below.
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May 7:
It’s almost Mother’s Day and I couldn’t be more excited. It’s the one day of the year I can count on Jake to be a good son, even if he’s just making up for all the times he took my minivan out joy riding. Last year, he spray-painted “I ♥ Mom” on our living room wall, which made my heart melt. Then about a month ago, he got mad at me for borrowing his lighter without asking and added “Don’t” between the “I” and the “♥.” I think he feels really bad about that now, so I’m expecting this Sunday to be the best yet.
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April 30:
A girl’s gotta look out for herself, so it’s important that you feather your nest. Here are three things you should do when ya start to smell the dump:
1. Try to get as much as you can out of him before the split. If you’re like me and can’t get pregnant no more, I suggest getting him to open up a joint credit card account with you. Leech off him for as long as you can.
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April 23:
When he starts to get too clingy and “only wants to cuddle,” it’s time to ditch that loser. Now some guys are harder to dump than others. Some won’t get the hint even after you tell him you’re not the commitment type, or that you’re not into monogamy, or that you hate his effing guts. Once he starts getting too obsessed and demands that you pay him back the money he loaned you, it’s time to break out the big guns to get him outta your hair.
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April 16:
I love my son, but the boy is a date-killer. The little hell-raiser takes after his momma – born to be wild. He’s a good kid for the most part, but I don’t have enough dough to give him a big allowance, so he’s gotten crafty when it comes to money.
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April 9
I always hear girls say that they can’t get their guys to do what they want. They nag, fake pregnancies, fake not-being pregnant, but nothing seems to work.
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April 2
A lot of those dating books will tell you to put your best foot forward on your first date, “Keep your house clean and look your best.” Let me tell ya, that’s a bunch of BS. If you get all dolled up in your best tube-top and break your back making your kid pick up your place for date number one, he’s going to come to expect that every time he comes over.
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March 26
A guy needs to know your favorite drink, your safety word, and nothing else. The less he knows about your past, the better (especially if your past is anything like mine). I mean, guys tend to be intimidated by my experience, so I find it’s better to keep my former lovers a secret—make him think I’m just a naturally talented love-maker.
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March 19
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, when you go out with a guy, get him to pay for as much as you can: the food, the drinks, your gas bill, your kid’s lunch money… When he pays you’re not taking advantage of him, you’re being a lady.
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March 17
If you really want to get to know a guy, invest in a good pair of binoculars. If you’re willing to follow him around for a few days, you can find out all sorts of useful info: if he’s married, what type of strippers he likes, if he’s really a loser. But if he is the real deal, you’ll know lots of juicy tidbits that will help you seduce him.
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March 5
No one likes a chatty Cathy. When it comes down to it, a guy really doesn’t care what you got to say any more than you wanna hear what he’s yapping about. That’s why you need to become fluent in body language. Use these non-verbal cues to show him what you wanna do.
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Feb. 27
I started reading this stupid women’s dating guide, The Rules. That book is a joke. Like they say, “don’t stare at a man…” but how do you let a guy know you’re ready to party if you don’t ogle him a bit? And they say, “don’t rush into sex…” but what if that’s the only reason you’re out on a date? I didn’t get much past that, because there were THIRTY-FIVE freaking rules written by a bunch of uptight feminist chicks who don’t know beans about what a man really wants. If you ask me, The Rules are meant to be broken (hehe)!
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Feb. 19
Last Saturday was Valentine’s Day. The day of love, so I was lookin’ to get nailed. My latest squeeze, Keith, had dinner plans with his wife, so this year I was flying solo. To celebrate, I got dolled up to hit the town and find myself a Valentine. I broke out my spanx, took off my bra, put on my best denim dress, and used the make-up I swiped from the lost & found box at work. I looked damn good!
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Feb. 19
People who know me know I like to have a good time. And I’ve got the nicknames to prove it: Daredith, Baredith, Affairedith, and The Grateful Red. The point is, I’m known far and wide as a party girl and I’d be the last person to criticize someone for drinking, boinking, or fighting too much. But ever since my friend Patti got out of the slammer, I’ve been really worried about her—she’s totally out of control!
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Jan. 22
I jst got back from tha bar and I gotta tell you all somthin. You dont cut me off and tell me I had two many. Never I’ve ben drinking for a long time and I know Whatta JERK!!!!! I jst had to walk home and I lost m shoe.
Continue reading Meredith’s drunk blogging, go here.
Jan 15
When you’re on the prowl for fresh meat, sometimes it’s best to hunt in packs. When I spot a group of hunky guys, I like to call in for reinforcements—divide and conquer with a wing-woman. The concept is simple. I get a chick who is super personable and really cute (but without my raw sex appeal) to distract the ugly guys, while I focus on the cream of the crop. If a guy is being all stuck-up, I have my wing-woman talk me up a bit. My friend Brenda always tells guys I got my own place and it’s roomier than a doublewide. And Trish tells them about my hysterectomy, so they don’t have to worry about any “mistakes.”
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Jan 5
Pick up lines are like poetry to this party gal, I just love ‘em. I feel like such a special lady when a guy taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I have any Polish in me.
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Dec. 19
Christmas usually brings out the best in my friends. I mean, my girls aren’t super into all that peace and love crap. We usually just get together, exchange erotic gifts, and then ring in the New Year all December long. For us, getting into the Christmas spirit, means drinking plenty of Christmas spirits. Like the other night we were partying at Brenda’s place and the combination of too many Jäger-nog bombs and Trish’s boyfriend’s early release from prison made for a night none of us will soon remember. The next morning, Trish found her man in bed with Brenda. That’s when things got messy. By the time those two were done scrapping, there was more weave on the ground then on either of their heads. What a show!
Dec. 4
Men are like fine bottles of PBR, you can still enjoy ‘em when they age, but after a while they start to smell and taste a little skunky. That’s why I like my men young and fresh. With guys my age, all I have to do is show a little skin and they’re promising me the Moon Over My Hammy breakfast at Denny’s if I’ll agree to stay the night. But the young bucks are a little trickier to bag on account of their short attention spans. One minute it’s last call and you’re offering them a ride home, and the next thing you know, they suddenly remember they have some class they need to get to right away. Fortunately for me, I enjoy the hunt as much as the kill.
Nov. 29
The future can be hard to predict before it happens. I didn’t see that audit coming. Didn’t see that DUI check point coming. And I sure as hell didn’t see those side effects coming (hair-ry!). Sometimes life throws you curve balls, especially when it comes to dating. That’s why it’s important to check your horoscope. You need to know what the future has in store for you when you’re a single gal. I was born in May, so that makes me a Taurus – which is ironic because I drove a Ford Taurus before it got impounded (stupid check point).
Nov.23
Before I start, let me just say, I don’t want you all to think I’m a prude or a virgin or anything lame like that.
Nov. 14
I’ve always had a thing for bad boys and they’ve always had a thing for me. There’s something about a man with a Raiders jacket and an illegal firearm that gets me. I’ve always been this way. When I was a girl I had a crush on the guys in the Symbionese Liberation Army. When I was in high school I dated all the local carnies with police records. I can’t tell you how many stolen cars I’ve seen the back seat of over the years. Dangerous, that’s the way I like ‘em. So it’s no wonder that I’ve found love among the prison system
Nov. 6
It looks like our old HR chick, “Trampy McTrampalot,” ended things with my boss. Breakups are the worst, when they happen to you. I know, I know, it’s all part of the game. If you wanna be a player, expect to get played. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to end things.
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OCT. 30
Halloween is the best holiday, after Saint Patrick’s Day and the Pennsylvania bikers’ convention. There are plenty of reasons why I love it. The jackolanterns I left out all year are back in season. I can now say all the cobwebs around the house are decorations. And nothin’s better than drinkin’ booze with dry ice in it. But the best thing about Halloween is dressing up for The Bog’s costume contest.
Click here to continue reading. | Check out Kate’s new MySpace blog post.
-Kate Flannery discusses what you would find on her personal playlist.
OCT. 23
Rumor has it, a certain hoochie in HR (I won’t name names) got her tentacles around my boss. Even though I have the occasional fantasy about throwing a brick through her face, I’ve got to give her props. It was a good pull, especially for someone with so little meat on her bones. The big question is how she’ll play it. Take it from someone with plenty of experience—office “relationships” are nothing but trouble. Things get messy when you $#!% where you sleep, better to keep things casual and maybe take an occasional crap where you nap.
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OCT. 23
Over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about switching up my look. “Why would you mess with perfection?” you ask. Normally I would agree with you, but you have to understand that Scranton isn’t the biggest watering hole. I figured that if I change my bait, who knows what else I can catch? More than that, a new look makes a gal feel right. I thought about going blond, but I’m way two smart for the bimbo look. Plastic Surgery? I don’t got the money for that. Besides, why would I get plastic surgery when people tell me I look like Kathy Griffin as it is? Then I thought I’d change up my look with a piercing. Click here to read more.
WATCH KATE FLANNERY: Click here to watch Kate Flannery on Macy’s Celebrity Catwalk Challenge.
OCT. 10
At work we had this business ethics seminar. Talk about preachy! I don’t need people at work telling me how to live my life; they’re not my parole officer. Besides, I got ethics: I’m no tease, I stopped smoking at gas stations, and I only dine and ditch when I have to. Making the seminar worse was that it was led by that new HR rep, Holly. I HATE Holly. Who is she to get in my face about what’s wrong and what’s right? That skinny bitch has had it out for me since day one. It’s so obvious why: she’s jealous.
OCT. 5
A girl needs to treat herself good every now and then, get out on the town and let her hair down. Once you have kids, it’s not always so easy.
SEPT. 26
We just finished this whole branch versus branch weight loss competition thingy at work. It was hell for the fatties. Hell for me too, mostly ‘cause I had to listen to them bitch and moan. I get it. Dieting is tough. Stop killing my buzz. Normally, I would’ve just ignored the dieters, but I decided this was for a good cause (extra vacation days), so I tried to do my part, not that I needed it! I’ve been looking good lately, but I decided to limit myself to clear liquids only and no chasers, to cut down on the calories. And from what I remember, I was pretty good about sticking to the plan.
SEPT. 19
We are living in modern times and let me tell you, I am a modern woman. I want what I want when I want it. Between work and my podiatrist appointments, I don’t have time to screw around. For dinner, I microwave a hot pocket in under a minute. If it’s not fully cooked by then, too bad – I’m eating ya’ half frozen. Take out the garbage? Waste of time and energy; I just throw it out the window and let it blow wherever it’s gonna go. No time for cleaning, shaving, flushing or taxes for this gal. It’s 2008 – get outta my way!
SEPT.11
The other night I took my son, Jake, to see the Sex and the City movie at the cheapie theatre in Tunkhannock. We both agreed, too much talking, not nearly enough sex.
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