IMPROV TO IMPROVE
by Michael Scott
Improvisation is probably one of the most fun things to do in the world. You can instantly become any character you like: an old blind lady who drives with both feet, a hippie who goes to parties in the desert, a cat, a high school prom queen with body dysmorphia, a ravishingly handsome Greek man who’s looking to grow his small business…The possibilities are endless. As a manager, I’ve always felt that improv skills help me to act quicker on my feet.
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SANTA CLAUS COME BACK TO TOWN
by Meredith PalmerTo the mysterious, really hot Santa at the mall who let me sit on his lap for a few minutes: you are one smooth operator and I want the phone number to the North Pole. Seriously, no one’s treated ‘ol Mer as well as you did that afternoon at Steamtown. You listened to what I wanted, you took a picture with me and didn’t ask me to take my top off, you said “ho ho ho” and it wasn’t directed toward me…Really – you’re a doll and I’d like to get pizza with you. Let’s make this happen.
The Office
It’s easy to forget what the holidays are really about. What with all travel plans to make – take this city bus here, hitch hike there – it’s easy to get distracted. So I just want to take a minute to say what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I have one of the best jobs in the world, second to only the people that work for Disney On Ice.
That really sick stray cat that I used to feed stop coming around, I’m thankful that it looks like he found a permanent home.
The McRib is back – making high quality meat available for all.
Wolves are making a comeback in Yellowstone.
The DA said I no longer have to testify.
Houses are real cheap to buy, that’s good for everyone, right?
My Chia Pet is flourishing.
And lastly, they just opened a Big Lots! by my house.
I hope you all feel as blessed as I do. Have a happy Thanksgiving!! Gobble gobble!
DWIGHT SPEAKS!
by Dwight SchruteAttention all mothers, fathers, legal guardians, and illegal guardians; I, Dwight Schrute, am opening a daycare service in the Scranton Business Park. As you all know, I can build a well-fortified pigpen, and I can dominate in a bullpen, so it makes sense that I would be able to create an efficient playpen. If this daycare is a success, I’m not stopping there.
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DWIGHT SPEAKS!
by Dwight Schrute
Dwight SchruteWhoever is leaving the saucers of milk and bowls of creature kibble in the parking lot needs to cease and desist immediately. It’s attracting an offensive mass of wild cats. I’ve already slain four with my car – three by accident, one by choice. If they continue to be nourished, they will soon come to rely on this food source as their sole supply. Consequently, the rodent population will rise to an ungodly quantity. The rats will begin to scour our dumpsters, wallowing in the trash and spreading it about the streets like VD at Mardi Gras. What was in that trash? The personal documents you forgot to shred. Soon a no-luck-Chuck comes across your last bank statement and it seems his day just got a little better. He’s off to the races with your identity. Bottom line, think twice next time you want to put out that chow. It can come back and paw you directly in the face.
DWIGHT SPEAKS!
by Dwight Schrute
Dwight SchruteDunder Mifflin employees, it is not acceptable to wear sunglasses while working inside the office. Not only is it completely against the Dunder Mifflin Sabre dress code, it is a tremendous safety hazard. There are two people in the annex that insist on wearing sunglasses at work to show that “they are somebody.” But I am here to tell you, Kelly and Ryan, that you are not celebrities with photographers clambering to take your picture; you are no Tom Selleck. Sunglasses worn indoors are a privilege to those that underwent training in the Secret Service and the blind (which makes no sense to me, why would blind people need any kind of glasses?). This is a warning, lose the sunglasses or I’ll lose them for you.
SUMMER LOVE POEM
by Andy BernardGet your deck shoes on and your croquet sets out because the best season of the year is finally upon us! Summertime and the living’s easy. I’ve been working on a summer love poem that I hope to unveil at the Scranton Public Library, and then possibly turn it into an acoustic ballad. It’s to no one in particular, could be any girl. Here’s an exclusive first taste, for your eyes only.
DWIGHT SPEAKS!
by Dwight SchruteI would like to take this time to address a series issue: toilet paper abuse. The office is using entirely too much toilet paper; usage has been up 5% each month for the last three months and cloggings are through the roof, or should I say not through the pipes. Plus I’ve observed people using toilet paper for purposes outside of its intended use: women (and possibly Oscar) are using it to blot their lipstick, Kevin uses it to color on, and I suspect Kelly pads her chest with it. This has to stop! I’ve tried to discourage your exploitation by replacing the Charmin with the coarser thinner toilet paper imported from Russia, and yet your over consumption proceeded. People have ignored my memos and the signs I put up in the stalls prohibiting the use of more than 3 squares a day. Now I must take more drastic measures. Toilet paper is a privilege, not a right, so I am removing the toilet paper from the bathrooms altogether. If you need some, you can see me at my desk and in emergencies I’ll provide you with no more than one square per day. I suggest you use it wisely.
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DARRYL’S REQUEST
by Darryl PhilbinWill the person keeping a box of random insects by the bailer please pick them up and take them home? My warehouse isn’t some halfway house for bugs. You have until the end of the day before I Raid their asses.
DWIGHT SPEAKS!
by Dwight Schrute
Spring has sprung and so have mold spores. I will perform my quarterly office disinfection on Saturday because I will no longer subject myself to your whining about the fumes. It’s not my fault the windows don’t open or that your constitutions are weak. I refuse to use commercially produced cleaners. You may play fast and loose with cleanliness, but I will not compromise. If you want to help, I will accept applications for sturdy volunteers to come in on Saturday to aid in the cleaning.
Should you choose not to participate, I will take no responsibility for the contents in, on, and around your desk. I am coming in to clean, not to organize your pathetic lives. Should something not be where you left it, I cannot be held accountable. Should my solvents discolor or dissolve your items, I will not be responsible sorry.
Cleaning day is cleaning day – period. Any family members brought with you will be expected to clean – regardless of age. (That means you, Halperts.)
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SCOTT’S SHOTS
Bump bump ba ba bump bump bump bump! The Olympics are here and they are awesome! They always inspire me to watch lots of television. For this secession of Scott’s Shots, I thought I would share my favorite moments from Olympics past:
* Kristi Yamaguchi – inspired me to take ice dancing lessons
* Nelly Furtado at the opening ceremonies in Vancouver.
* Lindsey Vonn in Sports Illustrated – Schwing!
* Peek-a-boo Street – Funniest. Name. Ever.
* Flow Jo winning the gold – I think Angela Bassett should play her in a movie
* Marion Jones winning the gold – I think Angela Bassett should play her in a movie too
* When that French figure skater fell like eight times – hilarious!
* Michael Johnson winning 4 gold metals (It’s like Michael Jordon and Magic Johnson had a kid)
* Greg Louganis (the original Johnny Weir)Maybe one day I’ll have my own Olympic moment…If they ever make improv or Jenga Olympic Sports, I’m in!
