DON’T MISTREAT THE SWEETS
by: Kevin Malone
Valentine’s Day is only a couple of weeks away, you guys. I’m bringing that up cause it seems like people always forget the real meaning of the holiday, and that’s the candy. There’s jelly beans, hot cinnamon gummy bears, juju hearts, conversation hearts, chocolate shaped like hearts, chocolate shaped like lips… the list goes on.
O Come All Ye Faithful
by: Andy Bernard
As most of you may know, I like to spread joy through song (and occasionally news, and safety alerts. But mostly just joy). So it’s no surprise that Christmas caroling makes me happier than a kid on, well…Christmas. Yours truly is in charge of organizing the annual Scranton Strolling Sing-Along, and trust me – it’s always a memorable affair.
Happy holidays by Creed Bratton
Happy Easter everybody. Paint some far out eggs. XOXO, Creed
Read the rest of the latest Dunder Mifflin Scranton Newsletter here>>
YOUR EGG, YOUR LOSS
by: Dwight Schrute
Schrute Farms gets egged each and every Hallow’s Eve. I’m sure it’s quite satisfying to lob a shelled sphere of thin membranes at my home. But what’s even more satisfying is compiling all of that membrane and making the biggest, most delicious free omelet on the morning of November 1st. I sincerely thank you for that.
A FAREWELL
by: Creed Bratton
It’s been many long, wonderful years with a group of great cohorts, but the day has finally come. After several days of careful consideration, I’ve decided I just can’t keep up any longer. I’m leaving Myspace. I want to thank Tom for always being so welcoming and remaining by my side when others deleted me.
And I’d like to wish all the remaining members and trendsetters the best of luck. I realize I’ll be leaving a lot behind, which is very tough. I will however be taking my Myspace 2.0 layout with me. Peace!
REQUEST by: Dwight Schrute
Mose has recently taken up toe wrestling. He’s looking for opponents. Please let me know if you’re interested (if you have hangnails consider yourself not worthy).
OPEN INVITATION
by: Angela MartinThe church in Honesdale will be hosting an evening of Christian music this weekend. It’s quite the spectacle, featuring some of the area’s most talented groups such as Jams for Jesus, The 12 Apostles, and Catechism 22. Their voices are, might I say, heavenly. There will also be a performance by the Christian rock group, Black Death (I will be leaving before they go on). All are welcome, with the exception of atheists.
CH-CH-CHANGES
by Pam Halpert
Hi everyone! I have a very important, exciting announcement. I hope you’re sitting down… Are you ready? I, Pamela Halpert, will be taking over…the Dunder Mifflin newsletter!! I know I know – biggest news of the year, right? Now that Michael is gone and Creed is, well…Creed, it makes sense for the inventive, artistic Office Manager to handle the company newsletter from now on. I’m going to work on some really fun layouts, and I encourage all of you to put on those thinking caps and prepare your most riveting entries! Look for the new appearance next month.
*Crucial note: Pam Halpert has no affiliation with the employees’ entries, and does not in any way endorse their views. She just posts them.*
Celeb 411
by Kelly Kapoor
I hope you’re listening because this is probably the most important thing I’ve ever said. SUBTLE SEXUALITY IS BACK!!!! We have a new hit single that is so delicious I can’t even handle it. It drops next Thursday, so prepare your head cuz this song will be stuck in it for days. It’s kind of Taylor Swift-ish, a little Carrie Underwood-y, and a whole lot of Subtle Sexuality. Are you ready??! And yes, we have hundreds of autographed pictures for you! ($15 each).
CELEB 411
by Kelly Kapoor
Ugh! Everybody’s all like, “Sheen Sheen Sheen, Sheen Sheen Sheen.” I’m sick of it!!! He’s not even good-looking! When will this crap end? I mean I’m sorry but if you ask my opinion, two-and-a-half were barely enough men in the first place. The only people I know who watch that show are my mom and my Phyllis. But Charlie does some drugs and hangs out with harlots and suddenly it’s clogging up all my gossip sites. For WEEKS! I would totally understand if it were Penn Badgley or Justin Timberlake, but come on – Charlie Sheen?? Who cares! He didn’t used to be hot, he’s not hot now, and he’ll never be hot. So let’s please end this insanity! I’m begging you. I’m begging.
SO LONG, SUCKERS
by Todd Packer
I would like take this moment to say goodbye to Michael Snot and all you Pennsylvania freaks, ’cause this stud’s heading south! Corporate wanted me harder than the ladies down at Whiskey Dick’s. So I’m off to Tallahassee, and I have to say I’m pretty excited. I’ll give you three reasons why: Florida A&M, Florida State, and Tallahassee Community College. That’s right fatties – I’m leaving the PA loserpalooza to join one of Florida’s most prominent college cities. Can somebody say sexy co-eds?! God it just doesn’t get much better. Sunshine, boobs, gators — hell yeah. If anyone would like to visit me, I think that’s hilarious and the answer is no. I’ll be too busy tappin’ Kappa, and drinking beers at the Florida Fairgrounds. Looks like I’m lovin’ ya and leavin’ ya, true Packer style. Hope the heartbreak doesn’t keep you up at night. Peace out girl scouts.
