SUMMER LOVE POEM
by Andy BernardGet your deck shoes on and your croquet sets out because the best season of the year is finally upon us! Summertime and the living’s easy. I’ve been working on a summer love poem that I hope to unveil at the Scranton Public Library, and then possibly turn it into an acoustic ballad. It’s to no one in particular, could be any girl. Here’s an exclusive first taste, for your eyes only.
DWIGHT SPEAKS!
by Dwight SchruteI would like to take this time to address a series issue: toilet paper abuse. The office is using entirely too much toilet paper; usage has been up 5% each month for the last three months and cloggings are through the roof, or should I say not through the pipes. Plus I’ve observed people using toilet paper for purposes outside of its intended use: women (and possibly Oscar) are using it to blot their lipstick, Kevin uses it to color on, and I suspect Kelly pads her chest with it. This has to stop! I’ve tried to discourage your exploitation by replacing the Charmin with the coarser thinner toilet paper imported from Russia, and yet your over consumption proceeded. People have ignored my memos and the signs I put up in the stalls prohibiting the use of more than 3 squares a day. Now I must take more drastic measures. Toilet paper is a privilege, not a right, so I am removing the toilet paper from the bathrooms altogether. If you need some, you can see me at my desk and in emergencies I’ll provide you with no more than one square per day. I suggest you use it wisely.
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DARRYL’S REQUEST
by Darryl PhilbinWill the person keeping a box of random insects by the bailer please pick them up and take them home? My warehouse isn’t some halfway house for bugs. You have until the end of the day before I Raid their asses.
DWIGHT SPEAKS!
by Dwight Schrute
Spring has sprung and so have mold spores. I will perform my quarterly office disinfection on Saturday because I will no longer subject myself to your whining about the fumes. It’s not my fault the windows don’t open or that your constitutions are weak. I refuse to use commercially produced cleaners. You may play fast and loose with cleanliness, but I will not compromise. If you want to help, I will accept applications for sturdy volunteers to come in on Saturday to aid in the cleaning.
Should you choose not to participate, I will take no responsibility for the contents in, on, and around your desk. I am coming in to clean, not to organize your pathetic lives. Should something not be where you left it, I cannot be held accountable. Should my solvents discolor or dissolve your items, I will not be responsible sorry.
Cleaning day is cleaning day – period. Any family members brought with you will be expected to clean – regardless of age. (That means you, Halperts.)
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SCOTT’S SHOTS
Bump bump ba ba bump bump bump bump! The Olympics are here and they are awesome! They always inspire me to watch lots of television. For this secession of Scott’s Shots, I thought I would share my favorite moments from Olympics past:
* Kristi Yamaguchi – inspired me to take ice dancing lessons
* Nelly Furtado at the opening ceremonies in Vancouver.
* Lindsey Vonn in Sports Illustrated – Schwing!
* Peek-a-boo Street – Funniest. Name. Ever.
* Flow Jo winning the gold – I think Angela Bassett should play her in a movie
* Marion Jones winning the gold – I think Angela Bassett should play her in a movie too
* When that French figure skater fell like eight times – hilarious!
* Michael Johnson winning 4 gold metals (It’s like Michael Jordon and Magic Johnson had a kid)
* Greg Louganis (the original Johnny Weir)Maybe one day I’ll have my own Olympic moment…If they ever make improv or Jenga Olympic Sports, I’m in!
SCOTT’S SHOTS
by Michael Scott
It’s a new decade and I took a big leap forward. I joined MySpace. I had been all over Friendster for the past few years, but most of my friends’ accounts became inactive and the ones that didn’t all seemed to live in the Philippines. As much as I loved discussing Jo Koy and telling them my name was “Phil Ipino,” the long distance relationships just weren’t giving me what I needed. So I made the switch to MySpace. Unfortunately, I’m not seeing many of you on there. People, it’s time to get with the 2010′s, this is not your momma’s social networking site (although it is my mom’s). You need to make the switch – everyone is doing it. MySpace is crazy hip. You can customize your page. Mine is a picture of Andy Samberg (from Hot Rod) and me, well actually me and a cardboard cutout of him, but it looks real. Also, you can make your page go on forever and ever and ever if you have lots of people post on your wall. My page is not big yet, but I figure I’ve a got a decade to fill it out and I want you there with me.
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KELLY 411
by Kelly Kapoor
You guys, I have a confession to make: I’m having an affair with Tiger Woods…Yeah right! He’s totally gross!! I for one am tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and his mistresses, and I think it’s time the mainstream media focus on the real issues. With all the news outlets reporting on that nerdy golf guy, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on with Brangelina!! I mean, who is Britney dating?! Where is Jennifer Aniston?! I can’t take being in the dark anymore!!! Attention News Media People, enough is enough – stop reporting on that dweeby loser in a polo shirt and get back to what’s important, the details behind the Jake & Reese split!!!
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