Okay, so we’re probably NOT going to get a Dwangela baby this season. Then again, you never know … and how much fun would it be if we did? It’s seems only natural that the big moment would arrive in the season finale, and this is how it might happen:
So of course we have Angela insisting she’s NOT pregnant, even though everyone else in the office knows … except Michael because he’s an idiot, Andy who’s riding the denial train, and Dwight who knows but doesn’t want to know he knows. And then she goes into labor, but she won’t admit to *that* any more than she would admit to the beach ball under her oddly large sweater being … well, not a beach ball. But try as she might to hide it — suffering contractions in silence with more-pained-than-usual look on her face, inexplicably grabbing onto random pieces of furniture or random co-workers arms when the pain leaves her barely able to stand but still insisting that nothing is going on — while Jim, Pam, Oscar and Phyllis are gravely concerned and everyone else is just busy gossiping and delivering talk heads, eventually her water will break and things will suddenly start happening fast. Naturally, while most of the gang will be variously coming unglued, Jim and Pam will be the ones to decide that something needs to be done … like, you know, calling the ambulance, like they wanted to do hours ago when Angela kept INSISTING that she was fine.
But … too late. Angela’s already in the midst of having a baby in the middle of the office because she’s only been in labor for two days. She just kept telling herself and everyone else that she just ate some bad beets. But beets won’t cause this problem. And now that baby is about arrive, probably before the paramedics. So then you have to look around and ask yourself who are the most qualified people to attend her at this birth. And you arrive at Toby (because he was presumably there for his daughter’s birth a few years ago, and furthermore, he was probably sober for it, too) and Pam (because she’s the closest thing to a friend that Angela has.) What about Dwight? Dwight would not be there because, as he would tell us in a talking head, ”Schrute men do not attend births.” So Pam and Toby will take Angela into the ladies room because there is that couch, after all … and even though Angela protests to Toby being there (and also to Pam being there,for that matter) what choice does she have? Dwight refuses to enter the room , while Jim and Darryl have to stand guard outside the door to keep Michael and Andy and Creed OUT. And Kevin will be in the corner, taking bets on the weight, the time of birth, and anything else that can be quantitatively measured and put into a pool. Meredith will think the whole thing sounds like a good reason for a drink. Kelly will be going on and on to Darryl (and Jim because Jim never manages to miss out on one of Kelly’s ramblings) about how much she can’t wait to have a baby … you know, Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor. But Darryl will fix that, he’ll open up the door and shove her in to see Angela panting and screaming in pain. And she’ll turn and run … straight to take all those birth control pills she ‘accidentally’ forgot to take, having decided maybe she doesn’t want a baby after all.Meanwhile Jan will drop by to talk to Michael about something “very important” and will be irritated by all the fuss over Angela .. “She’s just having a baby. Women do it everyday.” BFD, right? And Ryan will be put out that everyone is standing around in the snack room as if it were some sort of waiting room, making it difficult for him heat up cheesy pitas or retrieve his string cheese. Dwight will be pacing around, going nuts and Jim will be trying to convince him that maybe he ought to go in there and hold Angela’s hand. Meanwhile inside the ladies room/birthing suite, Angela will be forced to let down her guard a little bit … maybe. After all, Toby and “the office mattress” are helping her. Pam, of course, would be really sweet and supportive and patient … and Toby would be calm, cool, and collected. (And he’ll also really excited to have this special bonding time with Pam.) Naturally, Pam will keep sticking her head out the door to give Jim a progress report and ask for supplies … which Jim will promptly ask Oscar to get - as Oscar’s the only one who could be trusted to get it right. Michael will naturally be trying to horn in on the whole thing, and eventually Jim will have to make up some errand for him to do to get him out of the way (“Michael, it’s very important that we have donuts for everyone. Have you ever been to a birth without donuts?”) which will work for a moment, but eventually Michael will come back and keep trying to get in the room, just sure that they really need his help … and be completely IRRATE that Toby is in there and he’s not. And he’ll be going on and on about how incompetent Toby is and how he can’t be trusted to deliver flowers, much less a baby, and he’ll turn to Dwight and say things like “Do you really want to be responsible for how Toby is going to warp your kid … Do you really want him in there?” Which will only make things worse for poor Dwight so conflicted about being with his Monkey or holding up yet another absurd Schrute family tradition. Dwight will finally snap when Michael makes some bonehead comment about Angela, sullying her reputation (along the lines of “It’s kinda funny that Miss Prim and Proper managed to get herself knocked up. Who would have seen that coming? That’s what she said! This is Angela we’re talking about, not Pam.”) So Dwight will tackle Michael with a scream of rage, and Jim will have to grab Michael (which Michael will probably kinda like) and Darryl will have to grab Dwight. Michael will be screaming at Dwight, Dwight will be screaming at Michael … Jim and Darryl will be holding them apart and trying to defuse the situation without much luck. And this is the moment of complete chaos that will be occurring when they hear a little cry from the other side of the door which will stop them all in their tracks. Dwight will just stand there, dumbfounded for a minute until someone (probably Jim) or maybe everyone (Jim, Darryl, Oscar, maybe even Michael) encourage him to go meet his kid. So he’d burst in the door with an “Angela!” and see her there with the baby, smiling and crying and looking altogether … human. And she’d be sitting there with Pam, Pam with her arms around her, holding her up, as Angela might be a little tired from, having just pushed a human being out of her body and all. So Dwight would go over to them and, just like in Valentine’s Day when he asked Pam for her help about what to get his girlfriend and then as soon as he figured it out for himself he was like “shut up,” he’d be like “Okay, thank you, PAAAM, but I think I’ve got this now.” You know, kind of irritated-sounding, but Pam would know that’s just because he’s a little overwhelmed by his emotions, and doesn’t know quite how to show his gratitude. After all, he’s been standing in the hallway, letting Angela break Pam’s hand in throes of labor. And now he’s gonna shove Pam aside like a half-eaten sandwich? Typical. But Pam would understand, and she’d turn Angela and the baby over to him, and then give Dwight a little congratulations kiss on the cheek — not exactly a huggy hugs moment, but close. And then Dwight would thank her for real … very sincere and serious … and stick out his hand to her for a very matter-of-fact handshake. And then we would get a sweet moment with ‘D’ and ‘Monkey’ and little Dwide II … before the paramedics would show up and take Angela and the baby off to the hospital with Dwight running after them telling them what to do, of course, leaving everyone else behind.In the wake of this momentous event, poor Toby would be all excited thinking that now that he and Pam have shared this incredible experience, maybe it’s time to tell her how he really feels … and they would have a sweet little moment where she tells him what a great job he did and how impressed she was, even saying that she thought he was ‘amazing’ … and just when he’s about to tell her how he feels, Jim would stick his head in the door, and Pam would run off to him, all excited to tell him about this life-altering experience she just went through. And Toby would be left alone, again, holding the bag … literally a bag of bloody towels … and he’d just say something really quiet and all awkward-like, something like “you’re amazing” … and then when she, of course, doesn’t hear him, say to himself, “Okay then, I guess I’ll just clean this up …” while Pam’s off telling Jim about how wonderful this whole thing was.
And Pam … well, Pam will be a convert. I mean back in “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” she pretty much told us that she expected to eventually have kids because she was getting married, after all (or maybe she thought she should just improve her kid skills because she was marrying ROY, a giant child.) But I don’t think she was exactly a baby fiend … although she did seem to like Hannah’s baby. But you know, now, after being pretty blown away by watching Angela give birth, she could become one. A baby fiend, that is. So anyway, we’d have Pam, in a moment ala Friends, (and unlike Kelly who focused on the pain and ran away,) focusing on the miracle of the whole thing and wanting that for herself. And Jim standing there realizing this and getting that deer in the headlights look. Maybe he’d realize it because Pam is standing there saying “I want one…” Maybe just in that same wistful way that just about EVERY childless woman who holds a new baby says “I want one …” Which could mean they really want one or could just mean “this baby is the cutest thing ever.” Not that Jim would be able to distinguish the difference, and he’d just be a little befuddled by actually hearing those words come out of Pam’s mouth for the first time. Even though she may not mean that she wants a baby right then and there … Jim won’t know that. And he’ll have that look on his face … big eyes, kinda stunned. He’ll look into the camera, accidentally, and then quickly away. And he’ll be blushing … because that’s what he does. For her part, Pam probably won’t even notice the effect she’s having on Jim, being stuck in her own little baby-birthing-induced fog for the moment. And Jim will recover quickly. He’d probably reach out to hug her, telling her how proud he is of her for helping Angela the way she did. And she’ll just go on telling him how amazing it was, watching that baby come into the world and take its first breath, and how she got to be the first one to really hold the baby … and she’ll be all sweetly excited about the whole thing … awww.
But there wouldn’t be time to dwell on these revelations because Michael would be about to hog the spotlight … needing to make a speech wherein he’s the hero (because he went to the Krispy Kreme and got exactly 37 donuts – 14 plain, 6 with sprinkles, 3 cream filled, a dozen chocolate covered, and 2 jelly just the way Jim asked him to, after all) and Toby would be the villain (used up all the paper towels in the whole building or something.) Then he would go on making his speech about the miracle of life and how very important his (future) children are to him, which would actually be kinda sweet. And it would be the perfect opportunity for a montage of scenes of Dwight and Angela with the baby, both kind of overwhelmed and unsure, but apparently happy based on the smiles they can’t wipe off their faces … a happy little family, at least for the moment. And then there would be Andy off crying somewhere, Toby still cleaning up the bathroom and looking morose, Kevin counting the money he won in the pool, Ryan eating his cheese-based snack, Creed blogging the whole thing … And finally, Jim and Pam looking at each other in a new way as they think, not just about the incredible events of the day, but also about how the whole experience is going to effect their own lives … maybe holding hands and smiling at each other sweetly, but gazing at each other with speculation, considering what the future holds. And right about then Jan would burst in with “Michael! Where have you been? I can’t wait all night!” And he’d get that look on his face … and then … “That’s what she said!” And he’d laugh … which would be a good way to end the episode. Although it would be weird - a season finale that DOESN’T end with specifically with JUST Jim and Pam? How bizarre …
~Annie (Jam Sammich) and Frankie
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